***This is an unedited excerpt from The Housewives of Greensea Island: Season Two…coming to you this fall!
When you need something done on Greensea, you know who to call. It’s the millennial who can do a little bit of everything. The PTO president who juggles tasks and her own life like they’re delicate china. The single working mom who manages time and her to do list with the military precision. And the empty nester who’s looking for a reason to pull back the curtains. Time and time again, we’re reminded that we should never count the women out, no matter what obstacles may stand in their way, because they’re the ones who do the work while the men sip their coffee and discuss how to make whatever it is bigger.
The first, and hopefully last, Greensea Island Wax Museum took place over the weekend. Our intrepid housewives—Amanda, Laura, and Calder— with the help of Tippy Meadowcroft, organized a museum celebrating Greensea and the surrounding area. After much debate, the committee found itself in an awkward predicament, nearly every historical figure had done or believed something that would have sparked a strongly worded letter to the Greensea Gazette had they currently lived on Greensea Island. With such an abbreviated list of appropriate names, the committee decided to add modern day figures who have made an impact on the island of which GG was honored to be a part of.
The idea was fantastic and the ticket sales were bonkers because we all know Greensea is always ready to pay any amount when there’s a good cause and the promise of organic cotton candy. The only thing that wasn’t taken into consideration is that we’re living in an El Niño season and the weather did not cooperate. Usually cool as the fall season continues, the PNW sun decided it would give us one last dance before the Big Dark set in. As soon as the sun climbed above the trees, the wax figures began to melt. It all began with Captain William Patterson—the man who placed a flag on what’s now known as Gulls Point, noticed the trees and the water and named our fair island, Greensea—and his beard. His black wax beard grew longer and thinner, until it pooled around his boots, and then melted away. Al Pine—the island timber king who met his unfortunate demise when his barge of dynamite that was used to cut down trees exploded while he examined it on the bay—and his ax turned sideways before melting like a candle on an altar. Johnny Nickel—most famous new island resident and global heartthrob—and his cheeks sagged like he’d aged forty-two years.
While it took volunteers hours and hours to painstakingly create the wax figures, it took the sun thirteen minutes and thirty seven seconds to force visitors to cover their offsprings’ eyes when the proprietor of the first store on Greensea, Grandpa Sherman’s pants threatened to expose what was underneath.
Suffice it to say, the models were left disfigured. A slow trail of wax dripped down Main Street and headed straight for the sewers where it was sure to become a bio hazard for the local sea life. Because of the quick thinking of island hero Amanda Willows, a damn of empty sparkling water cans and compostable paper plates was built in front of the opening to the sewer saving the natural disaster. Although, it has since been confirmed that the wax was not toxic, just not ideal.
While the event was wildly successful financially, the aftermath is indicative of what we always find in history, things turn rotten. Many congratulations to the Housewives of Greensea Island though, they did fulfill their goal so we mustn’t forget that. If history could hold its shape as well as the women of the island do, it’d be a little bit easier to get up every morning.